Cartoonocalypse Series 1
by RandomCrap
Summary: The band builds a portal to the cartoon world, and cause a lot of ruckus. Rated T for Blood, Tits, and Fire. Be sure to read the prolouge first.
1. The Band

RandomCrap

Presents

Cartoonocalypse

Episode 2: The Band

As I mentioned last time, I was going to tell you about our bizarre adventure. I still can't tell you that, because I feel it is important to tell you about the band members and employees first. So here goes.

Ed Jones is one of the bands guitarists, mainly acoustic. He also does backup vocals, and if a certain person is singing, he takes over their instrument (for example, Kevin plays bass. When Kevin sings, Ed does bass). He is the smartest of the group, only slightly smarter than Edd. He has long orange hair which is in a ponytail when not on stage, a little orange beard, and peach fuzz. His skin is still yellow. His voice sounds like The Angry Video Game Nerd's. He wears a white t-shirt with green sleeves and a ghoulish face (resembling High-Five Ghost's) on the chest over a white long sleeve shirt. He also wears blue baggy jeans and black Converse One Stars.

Ed likes crappy monster movies, model kits, and video games. In fact, he can usually be seen playing any game on NES, SNES, Genesis, CDI, 3DO, N64, and Playstation. He is usually the one who gets us out of difficult situations. He is also the second strongest in the group, only beaten in strength by Tom.

Edd Protonsen is one of the singers in the band, and also does keyboards. He always talks with a death growl (similar to Nathan Explosion of Dethklok, but more like Chris Barnes of Cannibal Corpse on _The Bleeding_), and is the creepiest member of the band, due to his looks and his pet, Professor Pete, which is a living shrunken head. His hair is long and black, with the hair on his forehead dyed blood red. He has a full beard. He has one eye, which is blood red. His left eye socket is covered with an eye patch. His fingernails are black. He wears a black t-shirt with a skull on the chest and spiked bands on his wrists. He also wears dark blue jeans and spiked boots.

Edd likes science, inventing things, and gory stuff. Though he is 2nd smartest, he isn't practical or simple with solutions, as he makes his inventions to solve problems, but most of the time cause more problems. He is addicted to the medieval times, cigarettes, and Proffesor Pete. He scares little kids and elderly people. He also owns a medieval collection. The band calls it "morbid sh*t".

Eddy Thomson is the band's legendary drummer and the only member not to do any actual singing. His voice sounds like Lars Ulrich's (Metallica). He has long black hair, a Fu Manchu moustache, and a little black goatee beard. His eyes are black. All black, though when he is surprised, really pissed, or doing a double take his eyes look fairly normal again because his pupils got smaller, though are still slightly bigger than Ed's neutral. He wears a white short sleeve shirt that's all bloody, black jeans, and white tennis shoes.

Eddy, though not the smartest, is the most reasonable. He always suggests a solution to problems that would end it right there, though no one ever listens to him because they all think it's "too easy". He is almost never seen without a beer in his hands, and he drinks a variety of them. For obvious reasons, he is never 100% sober, though, due to how much he drinks, he is never drunk enough to be unaware of the world around him, or to forget the previous day.

Tom Thomson is Eddy's older brother. He is the lead guitarist. His voice sounds like Max Cavalera's (Sepultura). He has long orange hair and an orange goatee. His left eye is green, and his right eye is blue, which is why he wears sunglasses 85% of the time. He wears fingerless gloves, a leather jacket over a white tank top, blue jeans, and biker boots.

Tom is the oldest member, and the strongest(Hell, he's the strongest and most badass guy in the whole _w__orld!)_. His hobbies/interests include riding his Harley, reading Eddy's Playboys, and being loyal to the Peach Creek Gang, Peach Parfaits. He is heavily tattooed on his arms. His tattoos are his favorite bands' logos (Aeon, Cannibal Corpse, Decapitated, Metallica, Slayer, Judas Priest, etc.), flaming skulls, and gore. During the guitar solos of the songs they play at concerts, he rips his shirt off.

Kevin Usuc (pronounced, "You suck") is the band's bassist. His voice sounds like MC Codebreaker's(MSX FM/98 in GTA III/LCS). His hair is long and orange. He has a big black goatee beard and a little black moustache. Many people mistake him for a Mexican. He has huge black eyebrows and white eyes, like Russel from Gorillaz. He wears a gray shirt with a thumbs down sign on it, baggy camo pants, and black boots.

Kevin is not the dumbest, though he easily believes whatever bullsh*t Rolf tells him. He has nothing better to do than hang out with Rolf or fix his bike. He is also a bit of a dick (That's an understatement). Though the band covers Death Metal, Kevin's favorite genre is Drum and Bass. Kevin is the only one in the band that hates Tom (The others gave him a second chance, and he did well). Kevin now owns the deed to the jawbreaker factory, so he gets free jawbreakers that he shares with the band, though Tom has to pay $10 to have one.

Rolf Chikneg (sound like "chicken egg") is the band's rhythm guitarist. His voice is like Tomas Lindberg's (At The Gates), and he always speaks in third person. His hair is the longest in the band, and it is brown. He has a brown goatee. He has no eyes, though when he is surprised, pissed, or doing a double take, his eyes appear white, like 2D from Gorillaz. He wears a black shirt with a red sillohette of Satan's head, black shorts, and diamond studded black boots.

Rolf is the dumbest of the band. He doesn't know the difference between a pool table and a swimming pool (LOL). He is obsessed with farming, Black Metal, weed, and women, though he is the only one who can't get a girlfriend. He thinks this is because he's too good for them, but it is actually because he is embarrassing to be with.

Mr. Wilson is the band's manager. He used to be their teacher at school, but he was the worst teacher in the world. On your first day with him, you were lucky if you lived to see lunch. His class constantly changed because of this. The truth is, he can't help but bring death to most around him. He used to be the world's best marine, because no one could spend an entire day with him. If you run into him, you best walk away ASAP.

I, RandomCrap, am the guy who works the soundboard at concerts, and clean the instruments once a week. I am obsessed with video games, and am either doing that or on the computer watching stupid videos on YouTube. My YouTube name is Metalhead77736, and I will be using it to help me with this series.

Jeremy is instrument tech. He spends a lot of his time practicing for marathons, and always wears his running gear and "Tough Mudder" sweatband. He also is a math teacher at school. He, in my opinion, could also be a comedian.

Gary is the loader and unloader of our equipment at concerts. He wears a white button-up shirt and red tie, dress pants, and dress shoes. He is usually seen watching the Discovery channel, as he is a science teacher. He is very muscular.

Jonny "2x4" Smith is our producer and is leader of the Peach Parfaits. He is also a successful club DJ and drug dealer. He is always high on cocaine. He always wears his headphones (They are specially designed by Edd to help him hear, as he lost his ears in a knife fight, though he tends to forget to turn it on).

My little brother, Alex, handles the guns, because he is obsessed with guns. He wears glasses and is kind of geeky, as he is in to sci-fi and Star Wars.

Finally, Pitch, our chef. Our _zombie_ chef. He cooks live animals. I have never eaten any of his cooking.

Well, that's all I have time for. I'm going to McDonald's.


	2. The Beginning

RandomCrap

Presents

Cartoonocalypse

Episode 3: The Beginning

I know I've only been delaying the inevitable for the past 2 episodes, but that stuff was important! But now that I've got that established, here we go.

It was just a normal morning (if you can call it that) in Peach Creek at Edd's house. Gary, Jeremy and I just got back from Wal-Mart.

"Boy, I am bushed," said Jeremy. "How come shopping is so stupid? I mean, look, I got all this stuff, what do I do with it?"

"Well," said Gary, "Normally I'd throw it in the garbage and throw a Molotov cocktail at it, but this stuff is for Edd's portal to another dimension."

"His what?" asked Jeremy.

"It's what he's been working on all year!" I said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play my new game: Saint's Row: The Third!"

Meanwhile, in the recording room, Edd was putting the finishing touches on the machine.

"How much longer?" moaned Eddy. "I can't wait to see what we are like in the second dimension."

"Probably the opposite of what we are: unpopular, poor, normal," said Edd.

"Why are we doing this if you know it already?" asked Eddy.

"Because," said Edd, "The second dimension is brutal! It would be ready now if GARY AND JEREMY WOULD GET IN HERE!"

"We're here, Edd," said Gary and Jeremy in unison, as they were suddenly in the room.

Edd takes Jeremy's bag first and looks inside. "A bag of Doritos?" he asked.

"I was hungry. Couldn't help myself," said Jeremy.

Edd then checks Gary's bag.

"Alright!" he exclaims, and pulls the object out of the bag shows it to everyone in the room.

"AA batteries?" asked Eddy, confused.

"Batteries are metal!" said Tom, sitting on the couch strumming his solid black Gibson Explorer. "Because they are one of the few non-living things that get to die!"

"That's fine," said Eddy, "But why did Gary have to buy them? We got plenty."

"Yeah, but _these _batteries last 4 years!" said Edd excitedly.

"What, are you planning to live there?" joked Eddy.

"No," said Edd, "Just visit from time to time." Then Edd put in the batteries and turned on the machine, which, by the way, looked like a projector. It projects the portal.

"Ready, everyone?" announced Edd.

"Now?" I moaned. "I just started playing."

"Hey, we'll be back in a couple of hours, dude," said Ed.

"OK," I said. "C'mon, Al."

"Why do _I_ have to come?" whined Alex.

"You'd rather stay here with Pitch, the Mad Chef?" I said.

"Your right, RC, I'm coming," said Alex.

We all went through the portal, and were surprised by what we saw.

"A basic bedroom?" asked a confused Kevin.

"2 beds," said Rolf. "Must be Tom and Eddy's room."

"What?" yelled a shocked Eddy. "We don't sleep in the same room!"

"Well, you two are the most likely to sleep in the same room," said Rolf.

"Also note that one of the beds is just a trampoline with a blanket and pillow," said Kevin.

"Hmm…" wondered Ed. "Trampoline for bed…"

"Hey!" exclaimed Tom, "Where are all the posters? Both of our rooms' walls are covered in posters. There's none here!"

"Actually," said Kevin, "There is one poster in here, and it's for a band called 'Fist Pump'"

"Hmm…" wondered Ed. "Fist Pump poster…"

"Never heard of them," said Tom. "And I thought that my second dimension counterpart would be relatively the same as me."

"Guys," said Ed, "I think there might be some sort of connection with the trampoline bed and the 'Fist Pump' poster."

"Figure it out later!" yelled Eddy. "I'm gonna get a beer."

Eddy left the room and started to go down the stairs. But about half way down, he saw the strangest sight since Nazz's Head on a dinosaur's body (_One + One = Ed_ reference): a giant blue jay and a raccoon playing video games.

Eddy quickly jogged back to the bedroom. He asked Tom, "Am I drunk?'

"When are you not?" responded Tom.

Tom suddenly saw a basic black guitar. "Wow, cheap guitar," he said. "Let's see what it sounds like."

Tom plugged in the guitar, turned the amp on, and played a single chord. The guitar was so loud every window in the house broke.

"Wow," said a wobbly Tom, "How loud was that?"

"About as loud as we have it for concerts," said Ed.

"Really?" asked Tom. "That loud?"

"You always wear earplugs at concerts, Tom," said Ed.

Suddenly, the door opens. It was the blue jay and raccoon.

We all stared at each other in silence. Tom broke the silence saying, "So I guess I'm the bird, and Pipsqueak's the raccoon."

"You can't call me that anymore," said Eddy, "As we are exactly the same height!"

"I think they are Gary and I," said Jeremy. "I'm the bird!"

"No, I am," said Gary.

"I AM!" yelled Jeremy.

"**I AM**!" yelled Gary.

"Knock it off!" commanded Ed. "It's none of us! This is Mordecai and Rigby, the two protagonist of _Regular Show_."

"That's right," said Mordecai. "How'd you know?"

"We're real worlders. I'm Ed, and This is Edd, Eddy, Tom, Kevin, Rolf, RC, Alex, Gary, and Jeremy."

"How'd you get here?" yelled Rigby meanly.

"Well, our plan was to build a portal to the second dimension, but it seems it brought us here instead," said Ed.

"Hey," said Edd, "Do you think you could help us secure lodging?"

"What?" said Eddy. "I thought we were only going to be a couple of hours!"

"There's a family in Elmore that might let you in," said Mordecai.

"I don't think anyone anywhere would invite a random person from the street in their house," said Tom. "It's like allowing a kid to go to the adult film section at Mr. Movies."

"Look, when you get there, tell them I sent you," said Mordecai.

"RC, Alex, Gary, Jeremy," said Edd, "Go back to the studio and pack whatever it is you want to bring with you. I'll go see if we can bring our cars here."

We all left to pack. Eddy said, "Thank you, birdman."

Eddy and Tom went downstairs. Eddy asked, "I'm dreaming, aren't I?"

Tom said, "I'm afraid this isn't a dream, bro. It feels more like a nightmare."

5 minutes later, we were on the highway to Elmore. Ed and Eddy were in Eddy's orange Nissan Z, I was in Tom's silver 300C with him, Gary, and Jeremy, and the rest were in Edd's silver Chevy Express. The band's logo is on both sides.

"…and I find tomato juice always gives me a rash," said Gary.

"Thanks, Gary, I think I'll skip dinner tonight," said Tom.

"Why?" I asked. "You aren't eating live lobsters tonight."

"I'd rather," said Tom.

The trip from the park to Elmore took only about 20 minutes. I thought it would be at least an hour.

We parked our cars in front of a little blue house. Kevin walked up to ring the door bell, but Eddy tackled him and said, "Are you nuts?"

Rolf tapped on the window a couple of times, and Eddy tackled him as well.

"Eddy," said Ed, "How do you expect to get in without using the door?"

"Simple," said Eddy, "Well set up a spinning chair ride, just like when we made up the story about the Mucky Boys [_Eds-Aggerate _reference]."

Kevin chuckled out loud. "Mucky Boys. Maybe that should've been our band name."

"Nah," said Tom, "Not metal enough."

We set up a chair ride with an easy chair, conveniently located on the curb across the street. Eddy sat in it, sipping a margarita from who knows where.

"OK, Ed, push the chair!" said Eddy.

Ed gave a weak push. Eddy said, "What the f*ck was that? C'mon, Ed, **PUSH!**"

Ed gave a much stronger push this time; Eddy was spinning around 100 times a second!

"Wow," said Tom, "Maybe I should've stayed home all those years."

Eddy was clearly enjoying the ride, as you could here a "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The rope holding the chair was starting to break.

"Where will it crash?" asked Tom.

"Given the position of the chair when it started…" began Edd.

"CRASH!" went the chair as it flew of the spinning laundry hanger.

"…right at the window to the left of the door," finished Edd.

"Whooo! Let's do that again!" hollered Eddy, as he fainted from the chair and landed flat on his stomach, right in front of Gumball and Darwin.

"Uh… What just happened?" asked Gumball.

"Are you OK, mister?" asked Darwin, poking Eddy's face, which looked totally stupid.

"Is who OK?" asked Nicole, Gumball's mom, as she walked in the room after hearing the crash. Of course she wasn't going to take it lightly.

After seeing the damage, Nicole stormed outside and saw us all telling Tom about the Mucky Boys.

"…and then," said Ed, "Eddy and I made funny noises! And then-"

"Sounds like fun," said Nicole meanly. "But smashing windows doesn't!"

"Oh, hi, Mrs. Watterson," said Tom. "How's the family?"

Nicole went into a long lecture. "I don't know how you know our last name, but I want you dangerous hoodlums out of our neighborhood! You could've killed my children! And I can't afford a repair to the house…"

No one was really listening to her, especially Ed, who was listening to Billy Idol on his IPod. I guess he couldn't take it anymore, because he chugged the rest of his Miller Lite and smashed the bottle on her head. She fell to the ground unconscious.

"Oh, thank god," said Kevin. "She sounded just like my mother."

"Kevin," said Edd, "Take Nicole upstairs and put her to bed. Everyone else, come with me. We're renovating the basement."

The rest of that evening was fairly "normal", like at home. I was playing Saints Row, Eddy and Tom were debating over whether or not losing a limb could kill you, Ed and Edd were watching Edd's shrunken head eat, and the rest were playing Rock Band (Alex rocks at vocals). The only thing that was different was dinner (We ordered pizza).

The next morning, Nicole woke up (who doesn't?), thinking she had a weird dream. She went to take a shower, only to see Richard, Gumball's dad, Anais, Gumball's sister, and Darwin waiting outside.

"Again?" she sighed. "Every day this week Gumball's been hogging the shower! I'm this close to running in there and forcing him out of-"

"Good morning, family," announced Gumball, suddenly walking out of his bedroom. "If you're all out here, who's in the shower?"

Everyone stood there with a confused look on their faces, though no one was as confused as Nicole. She barged into the bathroom, and saw a silhouette in the shower singing "Hotel California".

Nicole quickly opened the curtain and saw Tom washing his hair.

"Who are you, and what are you doing in my shower, much less my house?" asked Nicole, shocked.

"**Shower power, bay-bee!**" shouted Tom enthusiastically.

Nicole closed the curtain immediately and ran out of the bathroom.

"I must still be dreaming," she said, and went downstairs. The rest of the family looked at each other, confused.

Halfway down the stairs, she saw smoke coming from the kitchen. She rushed down to see what was on fire.

"You haven't lived till you've tried one of my omelets!" exclaimed Eddy. "You were out of butter, so I used peanut butter instead."

Nicole looked for a moment like she was going to be sick. Then Gary came to her and said, "Fresh coffee and morning paper to start your day?"

Suddenly, Rolf came up through the kitchen floor.

"Hey," he said, "You wouldn't happen to have any toilet paper Rolf could borrow? Oh, can Rolf borrow that sink?" He's pointing at the kitchen sink[Yes, this whole thing was a _Rambling Ed_ reference].

"**Who are you!**" she screamed.

"I'm Gary," said Gary. "The guy in the shower is Tom, the guy making omelets is Eddy, and the guy in the floor is Rolf. The rest of us are in the basement."

Nicole was surprised and mad at the same time. "The rest of y-What are you doing in my house?" she said.

"Some bird named Mordecai sent us here," answered Rolf.

"I don't believe that for even a second!" she shouted. "I'm going to call him right now!"

"Ask him if he happens to have any cheese," said Eddy.

She dialed the number, and Mordecai answered, who at the time, was eating breakfast (I assume).

"Hello," he said.

"Did you send some long haired men to my house?" she asked angrily.

"Yeah, I did," he said.

"BULLSH*T!" she screamed as she hung up the phone. "I want you out of my house by noon today!"

"Noon?" asked Rolf. "What time is it now?" He checked his watch. "8:00? Looks like plenty of time to rehearse."

"Rehearse what?" asked Nicole.

Rolf grabbed a megaphone. "**ATTENTION EVERYONE**," he said, "**TIME TO REHEARSE**!"

Rolf ducked back to the basement, Gary jumped in after him. Eddy turned off the stove as Tom ran down, jumped in the hole, and shouted, "REHEARSING TIME, YEAH!"

"Make yourself decent this time, bro," said Eddy as he climbed in the hole.

"Wait, what are you rehearsing?" Nicole shouted down the hole.

"Come down and see," Eddy shouted back up. By all means, she does.

When she landed, she saw what we've done to the basement: there was a hot tub in the floor in the center of the room, close to the arcade. There was also a kitchen and dining room, about 20 bedrooms, 10 in use, a recording room, a home theater, 5 bathrooms, and a rehearsal stage.

"What did you do to my basement?" she screamed.

"We turned it into a recording studio," said Ed.

"So… you're a band?" asked Nicole.

"Yeah," said Kevin. What did you think we were, a bunch of hippies?"

"Well, when you finish," she said, "I want you to-" At that moment, they started playing Dethklok's _Sewn Back Together Wrong_ as a warm-up (Edd's on vocals, Ed's not playing an instrument). "…get…"

The next 20 seconds were spent playing that song. When the song ended, Nicole said, "That actually sounded pretty good."

"Hell yeah, it does," exclaimed Ed. "It sounds just like the recording."

Nicole finishes. "I'm sorry about my yelling, you can stay, provided you aren't a distraction."

"You won't even know we're here," said Kevin.

Nicole gives them a little smile, and heads back upstairs.

"Uh, Kevin," said Eddy, "Whenever someone says that, the person would know they were here, in an annoying way."

"Luckily," said Kevin, "This doesn't apply here."

"You're right, Kevin," said Eddy, and they started another song.


	3. The Job

RandomCrap

Presents

Cartoonocalypse

Episode 4: The Job

The next morning, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Tom, Kevin, and Rolf were sitting on the couch, bored as hell. Eddy was channel flipping through channels on the TV. As he did that, the TV was forming some crazy message.

"Listen – Eddy – You will – Die – If you – Don't – Brush your – Ass – And – Uhh… - I don't know," said the TV.

"Oh," said Ed. "That's funny."

"That is why I never watch cable TV," said Tom.

Nicole walked in the room. She seemed a little upset.

"What? Didn't sleep well last night?" asked Eddy.

"I slept fine," she said. "I just think as long as you're here, you shouldn't just be sitting around."

"We won't," said Ed. "We have concert dates."

"I think you guys should get second jobs so you won't be sitting around when not performing," said Nicole.

"If this is just for you to get more money," said Eddy, "We'll give it to you. We have more than we know what to do with."

"Great idea," said Nicole. "You each give me half of your paychecks."

"Nice one, Eddy," said Tom meanly.

"Tom, we don't need any more money," said Eddy. "In fact, I'd be willing to give her all my pay."

"I second that," said Ed.

"Me, too," said Edd.

"I'll give her all of my paycheck and more," said Kevin.

"Did you want us to do it today?" asked Ed.

"That would be nice," said Nicole.

"OK, everyone, get in the van," said Edd.

All 6 of them were on the road about 2 minutes later. Eddy was driving, Ed was sitting shotgun, and the rest were in the back. The All American Rejects' _Gives You Hell_ was playing on the radio.

"Where the f*ck are we supposed to get jobs?" said Eddy. "The only thing I know how to do to earn money is play the drums."

"Maybe you could be a drummer for the military," joked Tom.

"Shut up," said Eddy.

"Hey, look," said Ed. "A 3-year-old playing hop scotch."

"Ed," said Eddy, "We can't earn money by playing hop scotch."

"Not that," said Ed. "I just love kids."

"Actually," said Edd, "I think Ed might be on to something."

"I think he wants to get a job involving kids," said Kevin.

"Oh, that would be the sh*t," said Ed.

"Are you kidding me?" said Tom sternly. "I don't want to be walking around in a dinosaur suit."

"I have a better idea," said Eddy.

10 minutes later, they were all standing outside Elmore Jr. High.

"C'mon, school's boring enough when I'm the student," said Kevin.

"Have we seen you before?" said a voice. Everyone turned around to see who said that.

"Hey," said Ed, "It's Gumball and Darwin! Sorry we didn't introduce ourselves. I'm Ed Jones; this is Edd Protonson, Eddy and Tom Thomson, Kevin Usuc, and Rolf Chikneg. Together, we are the most popular Death Metal cover band 'Deathtoll'!"

"So what are you doing here?" asked Gumball.

"Getting jobs to earn extra money for you and your family," answered Edd.

"What's with your voice?" asked Darwin.

"I sang with this voice so much I can't go back to my old voice," answered Edd.

As they headed in, Kevin said, "I'm telling you, this is going to be boring."

When they opened the door, they saw weird looking students: a flower in a pot, a cloud, a ghost, and a T-Rex to name a few.

"Actually, Rolf doesn't think there's such a thing as a dull moment here," said Rolf.

"Can you show us where the principal's office is?" asked Ed.

Gumball walked the band to the office. When they got there, Tom knocked on the door and said, "Come on out, you old bastard!"

"Tom, where are your manners?" asked Edd.

"Back in Peach Creek!" shouted Tom.

Suddenly, the door swung open. It was the principal, who was covered in fur from head to toe.

"WHO CALLED ME THAT?" he demanded.

"Principal Brown," said Tom nervously. "Good to see you."

"You seriously can't think he's scary," said Kevin, unimpressed.

"Hello," said Eddy. "We wish to get jobs, or whatever."

"Come in my office," said Principal Brown.

The office had a boring, gray atmosphere. Only Ed and Eddy were able to sit down, as there were only 2 chairs.

"OK, so what are you good at?" asked Principal Brown.

"Playing music," answered Ed.

"Sorry," said Principal Brown, "No jobs available for that."

"Damn you!" said Kevin.

"What's available, then?" asked Eddy, sipping his Lucky Lager.

"First, give me that beer!" said Principal Brown, grabbing the bottle out of Eddy's hands.

"Hey," said Eddy, "That's my beer!"

"Alcohol is not permitted at this school," said Principal Brown. "Anyway, we need another janitor, another lunch person, a renovator, an assistant librarian, and 2 people to confiscate drugs."

"Drugs?" asked Ed. "Isn't this a children's cartoon?"

"Don't get me started," said Principal Brown. "Now, I've laid out 6 cards. You shall each pick up one."

They all grabbed one at the same time. Ed and Eddy were the ones confiscating the drugs, Edd got librarian, Tom got renovator, Kevin got lunch guy, and Rolf got janitor.

"Uhh…I can't cook worth sh*t," said Kevin.

"Perfect," said Principal Brown.

"Eww…" said Kevin.

5 minutes later, Ed and Eddy thought about the jobs they ended up with.

"How do we find the drugs?" asked Eddy.

"We get into the lockers, of course," answered Ed.

"Isn't that invasion of privacy?" asked Eddy. "Besides, we don't know the combinations."

"That's why Principal Brown gave us keys," said Ed. He started to unlock a locker.

"And then what do we do with the drugs we find?" asked Eddy. "Give them to Jonny?"

"Well," said Ed, "All I see in here is a mess."

"Those are girl decorations," said Eddy.

"Is that what that is?" asked Ed.

"HEY!" shouted a voice. Ed and Eddy turned around to see a girl made from paper. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY LOCKER? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"

"A worthless piece of paper?" said Eddy.

Teri (That's her name) gets real mad and starts slapping Eddy, though, for obvious reasons, it is ineffective.

"You're proving my point," said Eddy.

Teri growled at him and stormed away.

"That went well," said Ed.

"Shut up," said Eddy.

Meanwhile, in the library, Edd was sitting at a table reading _1000 Ways to Cook a Corpse _(Odd that he found it in that library). The librarian, who was some sort of tree, walked up to him.

"May I help you, sir?" she said sweetly.

"Yes," said Edd, turning his head toward her.

The librarian responds to this by fainting.

Edd stares, unimpressed. "So, '#34: Fried Flesh'," he read.

Ed and Eddy walked by a classroom and heared commotion going on in there. They walked in to see what the hubbub was, and they saw Rolf, cleaning someone's desk with a mop.

"Uh…I don't think you know what a janitor is supposed to do," said Ed.

"This is how they did it in Rolf's country," said Rolf.

"This isn't your country, Rolf," said Eddy.

"Aw, screw you!" said Rolf, hitting Eddy with the mop.

"Whoa, Rolf, take it easy," said Ed.

"Don't you have something to do?" asked Rolf.

"Oh, the drugs, right!" said Ed. "C'mon, Eddy!"

"Ed, we're not doing drugs, we-" said Eddy.

"I know what I said," interrupted Ed. "Let's just do our job."

In the hallway, Ed and Eddy met up with Tom.

"Hey, check this out," said Tom, "I've been thinking of a way to modify the drinking fountains to punish those who spit their gum in there."

"Tom," said Eddy, "No dangerous renovations, please."

"What do you think of an arrow from the floor?" asked Tom. "Or a laser? Maybe a bomb?"

"That's a bit too excessive," said Ed.

"No," said Tom, "It's _very_ excessive!"

"Well, I guess I can't stop you," said Eddy. "Just don't think you can conquer the whole school."

SCENE TRANSITION: LUNCH TIME.

"OK," said Ed, "What cuisine has Chef Usuc prepared for me today?"

"You want the truth?" said Kevin.

Ed says, "…"

"Some mixture of beef, pork, sh*t, and an unknown substance," said Kevin.

Ed stared wide-eyed for a few seconds. "OK, even I can't eat that sh*t."

"Did I mention it has a hint of dryer lint?" said Kevin.

"2 scoops, please," said Ed.

"What's with that?" asked Gumball, as Kevin put one scoop on Ed's tray.

"Ed will eat anything," answered Kevin, putting the other scoop on Ed's tray. "And you don't even have to pay him. Why, this one time, Ed ate an entire 90-inch plasma screen TV… IN _ONE BITE_."

"Impressive," said Gumball, wide-eyed.

"Eddy," said Kevin.

"I'm just going to stick with my beer," said Eddy.

SCENE TRANSITION: RECESS.

Ed and Eddy were sitting on a bench, talking about their jobs.

"Well," said Ed, "How do you like this job?"

"I don't know," said Eddy. "How about you?"

"It's not bad," said Ed. "Children every which way you look…lunches that aren't even food…but those are the only perks. I can't even smoke."

"Would I give to be banging those drums right now," said Eddy.

"Hey, check this out," said Tom, barging in, "Blueprints for the world's most dangerous playground!"

"Turning the drinking fountain into a torture chamber wasn't enough to please you today?" said Ed.

The blueprints included a slide into an acid pool, monkey bars over lava, and a Bloody Mary-Go-Round(LOL).

"You might want to sleep on that one," said Eddy.

"I know, but it was fun to come up with," said Tom.

"Hey, look what I found," said Kevin. "Dodge balls!"

"Are you allowed to do that?" asked Eddy.

"I always thought school staff could do whatever they wanted," replied Kevin. "Heads up!"

Kevin throws a ball at a kid (Tobias). He gets hit hard, so hard, his nose is bleeding.

"Looks like that kid broke his nose," said Kevin, then he does his trademark douche-baggy laugh.

"Big deal," said Tina Rex. "I can do better."

Tina started to throw dodge balls rapidly at Kevin. He got a black eye, a broken nose, and three less teeth. Tina laughed maniacally.

"Dammit!" said Kevin.

Tom yawned, unimmpressed. "I'll show you something impressive."

Tom grabbed Tina by the tail, swinged(Swinged? No. Swang? Aw, f*ck it!) her around a few times, and then threw her.

"Hell yeah!" shouted Kevin.

"So…" said Eddy.

"Any second now," replied Tom.

5 MINUTES LATER…

"OK, Tom," said Eddy, "This is my best shooter. In about 10 seconds, all your marbles will belong to me!"

"Wait," said Ed, "I hear a faint scream…"

Suddenly, Tina landed on the black top, apparently holding souvenirs from China, Japan, Italy, Germany, etc.

"Wow, that's another record broken," said Edd, checking their book of personal records.

The bell rang. Everyone went inside.

SCENE TRANSITION: AFTER SCHOOL, IN THE TEACHERS LOUNGE.

Edd, Eddy, Tom, Kevin, and Rolf were talking to Mr. Small about their careers.

"…And there was this time where Kevin threw up on stage." said Eddy.

"Why do you have to tell everyone about that?" asked Kevin.

"Why don't you make like your bass and be inaudible?" said Mr. Small.

Eddy laughed. "Good one, man, you're alright."

"Oh, there you are," said Ed, entering the teachers lounge.

"Where'd you think we'd be, your mother's?" asked Kevin.

Mr. Small laughs.

"Hey, check this out," said Rolf, "If you take the lid off the coffee container it could be a Frisbee!" Rolf tossed it, and accidently hit Tom in the face with it.

"G*ddamn, watch out with that, asshole!" shouted Tom.

"Sorry, man," said Rolf.

"Hey, who's that?" said Ed, pointing at an orange furry Muppet-like creature with an AB/CD shirt on.

"That's Rocky," said Eddy. "He likes everybody."

"Hey, would anyone like to plug in my sign?" asked Rocky. His sign is one for Bud (Bet you didn't know that, did you?).

"It doesn't work right," said Mr. Small.

"I'll do it," said Kevin. Kevin walked over to the wall, put the plug for the sign in the outlet, and shocked himself. Mr. Small laughs while everyone else just stares in horror.

SCENE TRANSITION: OUTSIDE PRINCIPAL BROWN'S OFFICE.

The band was standing where I just described 1 line up. The reason they were there was to talk about pay.

"Why are we standing out here?" asked Ed. "Why don't we just walk in there?"

"Because that would be rude," replied Eddy.

"Since when are you concerned about what's rude and what's not?" asked Edd.

"It doesn't matter," said Kevin. "Let's all just burst in there at the same time 'cause I hate Tom."

Tom gives Kevin a dirty look.

Kevin kicks down the door, and see Principal Brown making out with Miss Simian.

"Now why doesn't this surprise me?" asked Eddy.

"OK, bub," said Kevin, "Pay up!"

"What?" said Principal Brown.

"Sorry about that," said Eddy, pushing Kevin away. "We don't expect you to pay us every day, but we just want to discuss our pay."

"OK," said Miss Simian, "Here you go,"

Eddy held his hand out, only to catch a penny.

"Really?" he said.

"Your jobs don't pay much because they have lower power than principal or teacher," explained Miss Simian.

"Tom?" said Eddy.

Tom grabbed a shotgun from inside his jacket.

"Whoa, let's not do anything drastic," said Principal Brown nervously.

Tom fired the shotgun, shooting out the window.

"OK, OK, WE'LL PAY YOU WHAT WE GET PAID!" shouted Principal Brown, scared as hell.

"Sounds good to me," said Tom.

Driving home, the band talked about the whole idea of living in a world inhabited with cartoon characters.

"I think I'm going to like this place," said Eddy.

"Really?" said Kevin. "I think this sucks. It's f*cking boring."

"How can you find a town where you can interact with anything at all be 'f*cking boring'?" asked Tom.

"It's too happy!" shouted Kevin.

"As dark as we are," said Ed, "I think this place will be perfectly gloomy in no time. Let's see if we can't find a bar."

The van took a left at an intersection.


	4. At the Park

RandomCrap

Presents

Cartoonocalypse

Episode 5: At the Park

(Introducing the Newly formed Secret Society, The D.I.A. (Deathtoll Intelligence Agency), and includes Mayor Suleiman, Mayor of the _Regular Show_ City, Whitestone, General Zanier, General of the Elmore Army, St Bernard, a former Pope, and Mr. Regales, the head of The D.I.A.).

"Gentlemen," stated Mayor Suleiman, "We are gathered here to observe some suspicious activity: Something is threatening the safety of The Cartoon World."

"What's the threat?" asked General Zanier.

"Real-worlders," replied Mayor Suleiman.

"But those real-worlders come here all the time to film the cartoons," debated General Zanier.

"Yes," agreed Mayor Suleiman, "But these particular real-worlders appear to be staying here permanently. And they're a band. A band that plays Death Metal. The band's name: Deathtoll.

"The members are as follows:

Ed Jones, a multitalented genius.  
>Edd Protonsen, keysvocals. Has a knack for inventing.  
>Eddy Thomson, drums. Habitually drunk.<br>Tom Thomson, guitar/vocals. Don't mess with him.  
>Kevin Usuc, bassbacking vocals. Douchebag.  
>Rolf Chikneg, guitarvocals. Total Dumbass.

I'm afraid that's all we know."

"If we don't get rid of them soon," said St Bernard, "It could cause an apocalypse of the cartoon world!"

"No actions will be made until we have more information," said Mr Regales. "Who knows what havoc they are wreaking right now?"

MEANWHILE, AT THE WATTERSON'S...

"Hey, check this out!" exclamed Edd, rolling a complicated-looking machine into the living room.

Edd turned it on, and white stuff (NOT semen) sprayed all over the living room.

"Now you can have snow in the summertime," explained Edd, turning of the machine.

"Uhh... wonderful," said Nicole. "So, what are your plans for the day?"

"We want to go to that _Regular Show_ place and meet the cast," said Ed, finishing a jelly donut. "You?"

"I have to go to work," said Nicole, "But I need someone to watch my kids, as I just can't trust Richard anymore."

"That can be fixed," said Eddy. "Tom, stay home and watch the kids."

"WHAT? HEL-" began Tom.

"Don't say it," said Ed. "There are children among us."

"I'm not staying here with these snot-nosed little bitches!" shouted Tom.

"HEY!" yelled Gumball.

"I've got cash," said Eddy, holding a stack of hundreds.

"Oh, alright!" yelled Tom, snatching the money out of Eddy's hand. "But you owe me big for this!"

"OK," said Nicole, "I guess I can leave now." She heads out the door.

"OK, see you later!" said Ed.

"And we'll see _you_ later, Tom," said Eddy.

"F*CK YOU!" shouted Tom.

"Don't say that," said Eddy, just before he shut the door.

SCENE CHANGE: THE BAND (MINUS TOM) IN THE VAN, ALMOST THERE.

"So, I was thinking of checking around for strip clubs," said Eddy.

"Now why, in the holy mother of f*ck, would you think that this place would have anything like that?" asked Ed.

"Elmore had that bar we found the other day," exclaimed Eddy.

"And I did happen to find various adult stores in the Elmore tourist's guide." said Kevin.

"And don't forget the uncensored content on the radio stations," added Rolf.

"Enough!" shouted Edd, getting out of the van. "We're here. Let's go locate those sh*theads!"

"Edd," said Ed, getting out of the van, "They're right behind you."

Edd looked behind him, and sure enough, Mordecai and Rigby were standing there.

"Care to repeat that little comment?" said Mordecai meanly.

"No," said Edd, "Because that's not why we're out here! We only want to meet the rest of the guys that work at this juncture."

"Oh, why didn't you just say so?" said Mordecai.

"Because some of us don't appreciate cartoons," said Ed. "And Mordecai, Eddy doesn't really like birds, so try not to be offended by his insults."

"You'd better not have a quarter in your mouth!" said Eddy.

"Let's just start meeting the guys," said Mordecai.

"Who're we starting with?" asked Ed. "That angry gumball machine over there?"

"Oh, sh*t, it's Benson!" said Mordecai.

"WHAT ARE YOU MORONS DOING?" shouted Benson, approaching Mordecai and Rigby. "GET BACK TO WORK!"

"Sorry, Benson," said Rigby, "But we were talking to some new guys who say they showed up from the real world."

"Hi, I'm Ed Jones, and this is Edd-"

"''Protonsen, Eddy Thomson, Kevin Usuc, and Rolf Chikneg. Together you're Deathtoll, the world's most popular Death Metal cover band''," interrupted Benson.

"How did you know who we are?" asked Eddy.

"These guys wouldn't leave me alone yesterday, and they told me all about you." Benson pointed at the guys he was talking about, and it just so happened to be Mr. Wilson, Jonny, and Jonny's gang, Peach Parfaits.

The gang consists of Jonny "2x4" Smith, the leader, Marcus "Middle Finger" Samson, Jonny's right hand man, Martin "Balla" Lee, weapons specialist, "Fat" Joe Harrison, the battle planner and lookout, and Bobby "Knife" Hunt, the brains of the outfit.

"Hey, guys," said Ed. "How's it going?"

"I ran out of weed, went to your place to restock, found this portal, and here we are. So, yeah, pretty good," said Jonny.

"OK, then, how 'bout we introduce you to someone else now?" said Mordecai. Everyone followed.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE WATTERSON'S...

Tom was seated upon the couch, strumming his Gibson. Gumball and Darwin were in the room with him, watching something stupid on TV.

_Man, this place is boring,_ thought Tom. _Several minutes have gone by without any bloodshed._

Tom looked at the clock (10:27 AM), then at the family portrait, then at the TV (Thumb Wrestling Championships), then finally at Gumball.

"So, what do you guys do for fun around here?" asked Tom.

"There's this board game we made up called 'Dodge or Dare'," said Gumball.

"'Dodge or Dare', huh?" said Tom. "What is that, like, uh, a mix of Dodgeball with Truth or Dare?"

"Come outside and see," replied Gumball.

Outside they went, in the backyard, Tom on the left side of the board, Gumball and Darwin on the right.

"Just roll the dice, pick a card," said Gumball.

"What if I don't want to?" said Tom with a sneer.

"Then we dare you to do something else," said Darwin.

"OK, I'll pick one." Tom then started to speak sarcastically. "What're you going to dare me to do? Stand on my _head_? Ride a _unicycle_ on the _fence_?" Tom picks up a card. "Oh."

Tom reads the card. "'Give the finger to a police officer'. 'Naked'.

"Why do you have a card that says this?" asked Tom.

"We have two versions of 'Dodge or Dare'," explained Gumball. "One we play when Mom and Dad are home [Clean version], and one when we're home alone [Explicit version]."

Tom reads some more "Explicit Edition" cards, much too explicit to tell you without increasing the season's rating.

"So, where do you store this at?" asked Tom.

"The attic," replied Gumball.

"That's no place to store secret stuff," said Tom. "That'll be the first place your mother looks. Eddy's… magazines were hidden in there, and it took less than a week for our mother to find them."

"Well where are we supposed to hide it then?" asked Darwin.

"I'll take care of this," explained Tom. "Your game's safe as long as it's in my hands."

"Wow, thanks!" exclaimed Gumball.

"Don't mention it!" replied Tom, heading inside.

As soon as Tom went into the house and shut the door, he thought to himself, _this shall not be seen by any mortal eyes._

Tom tossed 'Dodge or Dare' into the sink and turned the garbage disposal on.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT WHITESTONE CITY PARK…

Mordecai, Rigby, and Deathtoll were walking in the park, looking for someone else to meet. Ed and Mordecai struck up a conversation:

"So…ever play _Super Mario Bros_?" asked Ed.

"No," answered Mordecai, "We play cool sh*t like _Grand Theft Auto _and _Call of Duty_."

"No we don't," said Rigby. "We have a Super Nintendo that only works when it feels like it!"

"Shut up," said Mordecai.

"A Super Nintendo!" shouted Ed gleefully. "Have you ever played _Doom_?"

"No," answered Mordecai, "Benson doesn't allow bloody/gory games for some reason. All we can play is stupid crap like _Climb the Tower_ and _Concession Stand_."

"What about the games we play with the Power Glove?" insisted Rigby.

"First of all, the Power Glove was made for the _original_ Nintendo console," corrected Ed. "Second, that thing is a total piece of sh*t, along with most of the accessories made for the NES."

"I don't know, man," said Mordecai, "I kind of thought R.O.B. was an OK accessory." He happened to be carrying one at the moment, and he was showing it to Ed.

"I can think of three good reasons why that thing sucks," said Ed. "You could dump your ass in the time it takes him to perform one command, you can only use him with two games, and he tried to turn every game in the world into those same two games!"

"Really?" said Eddy, who apparently was listening to the whole conversation. "Well, we don't want that to happen again, so…"

Eddy happened to be carrying a baseball bat, and decided to use it to smash R.O.B. He hit it out of Mordecai's hands, and smashed it until you couldn't tell what it was supposed to be anymore.

"What'd you do that for?" asked Mordecai.

"The only thing I hate more than birds is unnecessary NES accessories," replied Eddy.

"R.O.B. actually was necessary for those two games," corrected Ed. "If you want something unnecessary, try the Speedboard. It's just a hunk of plastic that you use to 'put the speed at your fingers'."

"How do you know all this?" asked Mordecai.

"Because I have no life," laughed Ed.

"Hey, look," said Rigby, pointing. "It's Skips!"

"Skips!" said Mordecai. "Come over here, there are some people we'd like you to meet!"

"Hi," said Ed when Skips came over, and proceeded to give the same greeting I've typed/you've read before, so for your/my sake, I won't type it again.

"Charmed," replied Skips.

"You've got a nice build there, man," complimented Ed. "We must arm wrestle sometime."

Skips scoffs. "Me against you? I have very muscular arms, yours look like noodles. No offense."

"None taken," replied Ed, "Because these 'noodle arms' can really do some damage!"

Ed bent over and picked up the tiniest pebble off of the ground, and tossed it out toward the street, where it hit a parked car. The car exploded as if it was hit by a B-17 bomber.

"Not bad, but I still think I can win against you," said Skips.

"I bet our 6th member could beat you," said Kevin. "He is the single most badass motherf*cker in the whole world!"

"Are you referring to Thomas T. Thomson?" asked Skips. "He and I go _way _back."

"Moving on," said Mordecai. "I only have permission until noon to show you around."

"It's been a pleasure meeting you," said Edd, as they walked away.

"Say hi to Tom for me," said Skips.

"We will," replied Eddy.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE WATTERSON'S…

Tom was in the rehearsal room, practicing guitar solos over backing tracks. He was playing "Dangertits". Or at least trying to. At the 51 second mark, he started hearing a buzzing sound. He looked at the hook-ups, which were in all the way. He stopped the backing track, and right away heard snoring.

He looked up at the top of the amplifier, and found that Richard was sleeping on top of it.

"Hey, obese rabbit!" said Tom in an irritated voice. "Get your fat ass of the amp! It's not a mattress!"

"I can tell you this, buddy boy," said Richard. "I'm NOT obese! Although, five more pounds, and…" 

"How does a non-active guy like you even get his ass on something ten feet high without some kind of ladder? Come to think of it, how can you even walk?"

"Well," said Richard, "If I had to put it down to a science, I'd say about, um, six-and-a-half minutes."

"You don't know much about science, do you?"

"Huh?"

"Get off the amp."

MEANWHILE, BACK AT WHITESTONE CITY PARK…

The guys are walking in the park again. Ed and Eddy talk about something interesting:

"That's weird," said Ed.

"What is?" asked Eddy.

"How does Tom know all these people?"

"What do you mean?"

"Remember? He asked Nicole how the family was, even though at the time we only saw her come out of the house. The next day, he said to Principal Brown, 'Good to see you', as if he has seen him before, and his nervousness implied that he knew Brown very well as some sort of crazy sadistic or something. And just now, Skips wants us to say hi to him, and Skips said that he and Tom 'go _way_ back'."

"It is simple, Ed. It clearly means that-"

"Hey, Muscle Man," said Mordecai. "I would like you to meet…"

Ed does the introduction thing again.

"Hey, 'Fives' [High Five Ghost], look at those two gingers! [Ed and Kevin] Their hair is so orange! You know who else is a ginger?"

"Your mom?" said Kevin, smirking.

"No…uh, yes! …maybe?" said a confused Muscle Man.

"Well," said Mordecai, "This is awkward. NEXT!"

As they walk away, Rigby said to Ed, "I owe him a _lot_ of money!"

"Fascinating," said Ed, uninterested.

ONCE AGAIN, MEANWHILE AT THE WATTERSON'S…

Tom is sitting on the couch again, talking to the record label the band is signed to, Socket Records, on his cell phone Anais is next to him reading a book.

"DONATE TO THE CHILDREN'S FUND? Why? What have children ever done for me?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Anais. "Everyone knows children are the future!"

"Where'd you come from?!" asked Tom. "And do you mind, I'm trying to have an important conversation with the stupid-ass Socket Records owner! [Resumes talking on the phone] Why can't Ed do it? [2-second silence] Well screw you, then!" He hangs up.

"That's no way to act around a child," said Anais. "You're supposed to set an example."

"I AM!" replied Tom. "My example is that you leave me be, and I won't introduce you to Mr. Shotty!" Tom picks up his shotgun.

"Mom doesn't allow that kind of talk in this house!" shouted Anais angrily.

"Mom's not here!" Tom sneered.

"That doesn't mean I won't tell her when she gets home!"

"Let me let you in on a little secret," said Tom.

He leaned over to Anais' ear and whispered something to her. I asked him what it was so I could write it in this chapter, but he wouldn't tell me.

"Wow," she said. "Are you _serious_?"

"Is Gumball a coward?" Tom replied. Anais laughed.

"Um, I'm right next to you," said Gumball, who was there the whole time. "I can hear everything you say."

"So what do you want?" asked Tom. "A 'Be-Able-to-Hear-Things' award?"

Anais laughed again.

YOU KNOW WHAT GOES HERE. BUT IF YOU DON'T, I DUB THEE "RICHARD"…

Guys walking in park, blah blah blah, aaaaannd cue Pops.

Ed does introduction. _Now_ comes the interesting part.

"Ooh, a band!" Pops said happily "Good show, jolly good show!"

"Uh, yeah right," said Eddy. "So, what do you do here?"

Pops was about to answer, but a butterfly flew by, and Pops chased it.

"I've seen enough," said Ed. "I could use a drink. Any good pubs around here, Mordecai?"

"I know a good place for coffee," answered Mordecai.

"DOUCHEBAG!" said Eddy.

"Oh, c'mon," said Kevin. "You can't drink beer all the time, Eddy."

"I don't," said Eddy. "I also drink wine, liquor, vodka…"

"WILL YOU JUST COME ALREADY!" shouted Mordecai.

"Alright, don't yell," said Eddy.

Since the coffee shop is just outside the park, they walked there. On the way, Rigby and Kevin were having a conversation:

"Back in Peach Creek," stated Kevin, "You had rummage through lesser known social networks on the internet to meet such strange characters."

"Really?" replied Rigby. "You don't even meet strange people on the bus?"

"No," answered Kevin, "Peach Creek is generally a pretty safe community. Once, though, Rolf went on a rampage through downtown. Due to our popularity, we all have legal Get-Out-of-Jail-Free cards like in Monopoly. We call them 'Impunity Cards'."

AT THE COFFEE SHOP…

Ed, Eddy, and Rolf were sitting at one table…

"Ahhh," said Rolf, sipping his coffee. "Nothing is more satisfying than a nice hot cup of joe!"

"Ice cold beer comes to mind," said Eddy.

"Will you forget the stupid beer already!?" said Ed. "Your complaining is giving me a headache!"

"Yeah, this I know, asshole!" said Eddy.

…Kevin, Jonny, and his gang were sitting at another…

"Jonny, I asked you to pass me a packet of sweetener…" said Kevin.

"Yeah?" replied Jonny.

"This is crack," said Kevin.

"I know," replied Jonny. "Cool, right?"

"I'm surrounded by imbeciles," "Middle Finger" mumbled to himself as he sipped his latte.

…and Edd, Mr. Wilson, Mordecai and Rigby were at another table.

"So, Mr. Wilson, tell us about yourself," said Mordecai.

"Yeah, what do you do for a living?" asked Rigby so excitedly he almost spilled his espresso.

"Well," stated Mr. Wilson, "I shoot guns, and I kill people…"

"Whoa," said Rigby. "What brought out this interest in you?"

"Well, when I was a teenager of 17 years, I was drafted in the army. I was a part of a fleet of aeroplanes that flew over Vietnam to deploy napalm. I was a little drunk…"

[FLASHBACK]

Mr. Wilson was piloting an A1 Skyraider over Vietnam during the summer of 1969. He was supposed to deploy napalm, but before he had gotten into the A1, he had consumed 10 bottles of vodka, and needless to say, was not thinking straight.

"Look at me fly," he recalled telling a fellow soldier, as he was moving up and down in waves, not caring he wasn't keeping it steady.

"OH SH*T!" he yelled as he actually sobered up enough to look out the cockpit for about 1 second before crashing into a mountain.

[BACK TO 2013]

"Needless to say, I never flew a plane again, and I had left the army. When the war was over, I joined the marines and kicked ass in combat. In 2000, I became a teacher in 6th grade science. A death toll exceeding 1,000 students forced me to retire in 2006, and I have no interest in returning. In 2007, I became the bands manager, and I do a stellar job, if I do say so myself. That's my story. But a word of warning: be cautious when around me."

"OOP!" shouted Mordecai, looking at the clock on his cell phone. "It's 11:49! We need to hurry up and get back to the park!"

"Wow," said Eddy, "Who knew time would fly right by, even though I was bored as hell."

"**EDDY!**" shouted Ed.

"Thank you for showing us around," said Kevin, shaking Mordecai's hand.

"It's been a pleasure!" he responded. He and Rigby left the coffee shop.

"I sure hope thing's at the Watterson household went as well as they did here," said Rolf.

ONE LAST MEANWHILE…

[POW!]

"OW, stop throwing dough at me!" whined Richard.

"Next, we throw bottles!" said Tom, before throwing an empty Smirnoff bottle at Richard while the children watched.

[CRASH!]

Tom and the kids burst out laughing, and Richard was on the verge of tears.


	5. The Store

RandomCrap

Presents

Cartoonocalypse

Episode 6: The Store

(Scene: Monday, 9:00 AM. The kids are at school, Nicole's at work, Richard's doing God knows what, and the band is practicing. They are performing the last part of "Kill Them All" by Aeon. They end the song, and they cheer themselves on.)

"Yet another song played through without missing a single note!" exclaimed Tom.

"Damn right!" replied Eddy. "But you know what? I think it gets kind of boring just performing other people's songs all the time. We should start making our own music again."

"But remember how much we hated our own material?" said Ed.

"At that time we were playing Noise Rock," said Eddy. "That's a good genre, don't get me wrong, but we should try our hand at what we know: _Metal _songs."

"Hey," said Kevin, "Why exactly _did_ we hate what we were making? We like all kinds of music. Ed's into 80's Pop music, I like Drum & Bass, and Edd's got a thing for all sorts of Electronic Music. _Really?_ That guy?!"

Kevin pointed at Edd, who was carving necronomicons into a deer carcass.

"Well, I'll certainly take that into consideration," said Ed. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm hungry. How 'bout we get a snack?"

"Yeah, OK," said Tom.

The band walked into their kitchen (not the Watterson's) and opened the refrigerator. All that was in there was a half-empty gallon of milk and a single egg.

Edd sniffed the milk.

"The milk is expired. So much for that."

Ed simply ate the egg.

"Ed," exclaimed Eddy, "What are you doing? Haven't you heard of salmonella poisoning?"

"What the hell is that?" asked Ed.

"Well," said Kevin, "It looks like we'll have to go to the grocery store."

"Yeah, right," retorted Tom. "Why would you want to do that…"

(Scene: The Watterson's kitchen)

"…when there's another kitchen upstairs?"

"This really isn't a hot idea, man," said Rolf. "This is other people's property."

"Hey," said Tom, "We're all in the same house, aren't we? Besides, who's going to fret over one missing bag of chips?" Tom opened the bag he got from the cupboard.

"MY CHIPS!" exclaimed Richard, who ran from the couch to tackle Tom.

Richard proceeded to strangle Tom.

"THOSE CHIPS ARE MINE, UNDERSTAND?! I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOUR HANDS ON THEM AGAIN!"

Richard got up from the floor with the bag of chips, and went back to the living room.

"Richard will fret," joked Eddy.

"Hey, I have a crazy idea," said a dazed Tom, "Let's go to the grocery store."

"Settled," replied Ed.

The band headed outside and piled up in their van.

Edd was in the driver's seat, and Kevin was in the front passenger seat. The rest were in the back.

"It's your turn to decide what we listen to on the way, Kevin," said Edd.

"I'll just scroll through stations until I find something good," replied Kevin.

He turned on the radio. It was on 98.5 The Shark (The station from "The Job" [_My _"The Job", not the official "The Job"]), and it was playing "Came Back Haunted" by Nine Inch Nails.

"Meh. These guys are OK, but let's see what else Elmore has to offer." [Changes station]

"**This is DJ Kyle on Elmore University Radio, Home of Indie Rock since WHO F*CKING CARES WHEN THE MAJORITY OF YOU CAN"T REMEMBER A SONG FROM 5 YEARS AGO! **_**I HATE YOU ALL!**_ **Now on that happy note, how 'bout some FIDLAR?"**

Kevin quickly changed the station (He's a douche, but he can't stand people more douchey than himself).

"**And now, back to KDNB, home of all that is Jungle and Drum & Bass. Let's play some classic Goldie. It's "Saint Angel."**

"Holy sh*t, they have a Drum & Bass station!? Oh, I'm keeping it here!"

"Oh, god, not this music!" complained Rolf.

"Shut up, it's Kevin's turn to choose what we listen to," retorted Eddy.

They drive on, while Kevin obnoxiously bops his head to the song.

(Scene: The DIA)

"Well, gentlemen," said Mayor Suleiman, "More has been found out about this band. As it turns out, these 'real-worlders' share the same names as characters from the cartoon _Ed, Edd n Eddy_, and their records show that they have, or used to have, the same personalities."

"But how can this be?" asked General Zanier.

"Yeah," argued St. Bernard, "The cartoon universe should have imploded the minute they first arrived if these are, in fact, the characters from the show."

"Interestingly," answered Mayor Suleiman, "_Ed, Edd n Eddy_ was one of the few cartoons made the way the real-worlders believe they are made, to reinforce that claim, thus making their cartoon counterparts non-existent in our universe. The show ended in 2009, so you'd think that would mean the show's world should have disappeared, right. Not exactly.

"You see, just because a series ends, that doesn't mean that said world no longer exists. _Ren and Stimpy_, _Camp Lazlo_, _King of the Hill_, they all still exist."

"That makes their threat to this universe greater," said Mr. Regales. "We shall keep them under constant surveillance. No other actions until further notice. Meeting adjourned."

(Scene: The Deathtoll van, outside the parking lot for Food N' Stuff. [Must be a generic-brand store.])

"So it's agreed," said Ed. "Edd will get some soda, Eddy will get hot dogs, Tom will look for granola bars, Kevin will grab some candy, Rolf will find some fruit, and I'll go for the chips. Is everyone ready?"

"Yes, let's go," replied Eddy. "Oh, and let's not forget beer."

"Yes, of course," said Ed.

They walked into the store. It was nothing special, as they all have been in a grocery store before. One would like to think that last sentence wouldn't even be necessary.

"So, where is everything?" asked Kevin.

"Let's ask the cashier," said Tom, as he walked up to the check out counter. "Hey asshole, where's the snack aisle?"

A man with a very large gray head and a skinny body looked up from the magazine he was reading. He was about to answer, but when he saw Tom's face, he said angrily, "I know you!"

"_**You**_**,"** said Tom growlingly.

"Oh, look," said Kevin, "It's yet of another one of your 'old friends' who you inexplicably know, and despite the reason for why you know these people being _really_ obvious to everyone around you, they won't figure it out until you tell them because they're irritatingly stupid!"

Tom ignored Kevin's words. "This is Larry," he said. "He is perhaps the most annoying person I have ever met. He's worse than you, Kevin."

"Oh, really?" said Kevin. "Then I hate him too."

"Why?" asked Rolf.

"OH, DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE FORGOTTEN ALREADY!" I shouted (I had taken a taxi to the store an hour prior to get some much needed alone time, and I just happened to hear every word of their conversation.). "JUST SCROLL UP TO THE PART WHERE KEVIN WAS CHANGING STATIONS, DUMBASS!"

"RC, what the hell are you talking about?" said Ed.

"Oh, don't mind him," said Edd, "Since this is a work of fiction, there's bound to be a sh*tload of broken fourth walls, mistakes and inconsistencies."

"Speaking of inconsistencies," said Ed, "Weren't you fired from this place in "The Laziest", Larry?"

"It is possible for people to get a job back, you know," said Larry. "But Tom here, I tell you, he had to fill in for me once and he was so incompetent that he broke everything he touched! He even turned apples into dust! How does one even manage that?"

Larry started laughing. Tom was laughing too, but it was somewhat insincere, and after about 5 seconds, he shouted at the top of his lungs, "_**SHUT UP!**_"

"Ow," said Larry as he rubbed his finger in his ear.

"Guys," said Eddy, "I found some chips in aisle 7."

"Hey," said Ed, "_I'm_ the one who's supposed to find the chips."

"But look how weird the packaging is," continued Eddy. "It appears to be a bag of Doritos, except the Doritos logo is removed and

replaced with life-like eyes."

"Wow," said Rolf, "Rolf doesn't know how to respond to that."

"OK," said Ed, "This is going to take longer than I thought."

"What do you mean?" asked Edd.

"Do you want to eat chips with eyes?" asked Ed.

"Or hot dogs with moustaches?" added Eddy, who was holding some up.

"No," said Kevin.

"Exactly," said Ed. "We are going to have to search high and low to find normal food. This is a big place; I'm sure they have some."

"Hell, as long as we're going to be, we could check out the other weird stuff in here," said Tom.

"Yeah," said Eddy. "We could probably find eggs with arms and hams with d*cks."

"Let the search begin!" exclaimed Ed.

**Five minutes later…**

Rolf was looking around in the fruit section. He was being a little indecisive, looking back and forth between bananas and grapes.

"Sheesh, Rolf, is it really that difficult to choose?" said Ed. "Just get both."

"DON'T RUSH ROLF!" Rolf yelled. He went back to being indecisive.

"What a dumbass," Ed mumbled to himself as he walked down the chip aisle.

"Hey Ed, check this out," said Eddy, who had a cart full of beer. "This store actually has some real-life brands. See, I found some Rolling Rock, some Corona, some Miller Lite…"

"So I see we're good on beer," said Ed, "But where are the hot dogs?"

"I can't find any normal wieners. Hee hee, wieners."

Ed stared at Eddy with a look of confusion.

"Yeah, I'm 12, whatever," retorted Eddy. "Anyway, every hotdog in every package had facial hair of some sort. The weirdest brand of the bunch contained hotdogs with Hitler moustaches. I think they're German.

"So instead, I tried to find some bratwursts, but this store has been out of those for almost a year. I think we're going to have to skip hot dogs this time."

"My god, no normal hot dogs?" responded Ed. "This place is starting to suck."

[Cut to: Kevin and Tom, looking at candy.]

"What kind of store is this?" said Kevin. "There isn't one kind of candy in here that I recognize! 'FnF's'? 'Num-nums'!? That sounds more like baby food!"

"I can only assume that FnF's is this universe's version of M&M's," said Tom. "As for the Num-nums, your guess is as good as mine. Wait, I forgot that I hate you. Um… your guess is much worse than mine!"

"That doesn't even make any sense," said Kevin. "Besides, the candy always has a description of it on the packaging. Let's check it out.

"'Shell-coated chocolate candies'. Well, that checks out. Let's look at the Num-nums box."

Kevin read the box. He had a look of disgust on his face.

"Well screw that sh*t," said Kevin. "Let's just stock up on these f'in' FnF's."

"Wow," said Tom, chuckling. "Just...what the hell, man?"

"You think I did that on purpose?" said an annoyed Kevin.

"Next you'll be commenting on this 'Schitti Schitti' candy by calling it 'sh*tty'," Joked Tom.

"OK, that's it, I'm through here," said Kevin as he tossed his candy over his shoulder. "I'll be in the van."

"Humorless douche," Tom said to himself.

[Cut to: Edd and Eddy, walking down the "patriotic" aisle. Eddy had his beer cart, and Edd had a cart full of all sorts of soda, both real and fake brands.]

"Look at all this red-white-and-blue crap," said Eddy. "I like America as much as the next guy, but putting its colors on every f*cking product seems to cheapen the concept of patriotism. Take this, for example."

Eddy took something off of the shelf. "'Patriotic Toilet Paper'. Really? How patriotic is it to wipe your ass on the stars and stripes?"

"Take a closer look at the packaging, Eddy," said Edd. "It's usually the most ignored thing on products like this."

"What are you talking about, Edd?" said Eddy. Then, as he found the fine print, he realized what he meant.

"'Made in China'," he read. "So what? China makes our flags as well."

"Yeah, but think about it," replied Edd. "Notice how you took that fact in stride? It shows that you don't care that America doesn't make their own flags and other similar stuff, just like most of the rest of the country."

Eddy paused. "_Why_ do I love this country?" he grumbled.

"Doesn't matter," said Edd. "Let's pay for our crap and leave this hellhole they have the guts to call a grocery store."

"How soon are you planning on leaving?" said Eddy. "Because all of the checkout counters have a whole bunch of people in line at them."

"Let's go to the self checkout, then," Answered Edd.

"That's, like, only a 10-items-or-less checkout lane, isn't it?" protested Eddy. "We've got at least 30 items between us."

"Screw rules!" Edd said with a raised voice.

"You used to be Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes," retorted Eddy. "What the hell happened to you?"

"We have impunity cards, so it's fine," said Edd.

"Those are for _major_ emergencies _only!_" said Eddy. "IT'S JUST A F*CKING LONG LINE AT THE CHECKOUT!"

By this point, nearly everyone in the store was staring at them. They weren't used to such strong language. Guess they haven't listened to the radio lately.

"No time," replied Edd. "We'll just pay every 10 items, OK?"

"Whatever," answered Eddy.

Edd took a 2-liter bottle of 7up from his basket and scanned it.

"**Unexpected items in the bagging area**," said the machine.

"What?" said Edd. "There's nothing there"

"Just try again," said Eddy.

Edd scanned the bottle again.

"**Please try scanning it more slowly**."

Edd scanned it again.

"**Insufficient scanning speed. Please try scanning faster**."

"What the hell is wrong with this thing?" said Edd. [_Scans it again_]

"**A little bit faster**." [_Scans again_]

"**A little bit faster**." [_Scans again_]

"**A little bit faster**." [_Scans again_]

"**Scan successful**."

"FINALLY!" said Edd.

"**Item unrecognized**."

"Oh, f*ck it, let's go!" said Eddy.

"Hold on," said Edd. "Just one more try." [_Scans again_]

"**Insufficient scanning speed.**"

"GET THIS F*CKING THING FIXED!" Edd shouted as loud as he could before promptly ripping off the monitor and throwing it at someone's head.

"IF THIS IS THE BEST YOUR SELF SERVICE CHECKOUTS CAN DO, THEN YOU WON'T BE HEARING FROM US, THE MOST POPULAR COVER BAND IN THE WORLD, ANYTIME SOON! **KISS MY ASS!**"

All the swearing aside, everyone in the store carried on as if nothing had happened.

"Oh, you _really_ showed them," Eddy said sarcastically.

"Yeah, we _definitely _need to create our own material," said Edd. "That will add to our credibility, thus making us intimidating. Anyway, screw this, let's just go."

As they walked out of the store, they were stopped by a security guard.

"What do you think you're doing?" said the guard. "You have to pay for that!"

Eddy replied as politely as he could by knocking the guard out with one of his beer bottles.

As they were, they proceeded to the van.

"Alright," said Edd as he turned on the van, "Let's go."

On the way home, the radio was tuned to KDNB and was playing "Renegade Snares (Foul Play Remix)" by Omni Trio, and Eddy asked his brother how he knew all these fictional people.

"Well," said Tom, "The answer is simple: I've been here before."

"How could you get here before?" asked Kevin. "Edd just built the portal last week."

"There's more than one access portal, dumbass," replied Tom. "They exist so that the film crews can travel back and forth between dimensions when they make the episodes of their prosaic cartoons."

"Huh. I always thought that they were animated with computers and stuff," said Ed.

"You are aware that 'prosaic' means dull, right?" asked Edd.

"Yeah," answered Tom, "I never really liked cartoons."

"Well, that's one less thing we have to worry about," said Ed. "What do you say we call it a day?"

"Yeah, that sounds good to me," said Eddy.

They continued driving down the road, without another word.


End file.
